Nuclear Family vs. Step Family

A nuclear family consists of a mom, dad, and their direct dependent children—one cohesive unit.

I don’t want to speak for all stepfamilies or stepparents, but I often don’t feel like we’re a “family” in the traditional sense. Some days it looks and feels like a family, but most days, it’s different.

I grew up in a traditional nuclear family, we did most things together. Dinner every night at the table (sans a baseball/basketball practice), holidays spent with our extended families (we had a christmas eve party every year, never missed it), vacations, shows/movies we watched, etc.  The same values and traditions came from both parents.  Expectations on manners, school, etc were clear across the board. And even though I committed to being childfree, I still had an idea of what “family” looked like to me and what it would look like if I had my own.  This idea was something I had to grieve. 

One of the hardest challenges I’ve faced as a stepparent is reconciling the idea of “family” with my reality. I have to fold myself into an already established dynamic. While I can add my own vibe and influence, it will never be the same as how I would have created a family from scratch, with my own traditions, values, and way of doing things. 

Here are a few things that I keep in my mind as I face this stepfamily reality:

1. Recognizing and allowing yourself to grieve and understand why your family is not moving and feeling the way you thought it would.  
2. Communicate to your partner: I would bet that a tradition or your way of doing something, or implementing something within the family would work, be accepted and enjoyed by all.
3. Celebrate those small wins: this is your opportunity to see something that you brought to the table flourish within your family.  
4. Acceptance: accept that you might not win every battle.  Your partner and BM may have already implemented a rule, a way of doing something, a tradition, that you would never, but you’re going to have to fly with it. This is one of those, these are not my kids, scenarios and it can be frustrating if you don’t agree or do not enjoy it.

So if you’re struggling with or butting heads with your family expectations, this may be why.  But, your role is still important and valuable here.  You still are molding and setting an example to little humans, it just may look a little different than you imagined.