Navigating the “You’re Not My Mom” Conversation
Damn, those dreaded words—a line that could take you to your knees. But let’s face it: you already know this is a fact. You know your place: as an adult, a support, a parent, a parent-adjacent, a stepparent. Whatever your situation is, these four words are likely to come up. Being prepared can help you navigate the conversation. Having a game plan in the back of your mind might ease some of the stress when the moment arises. Here are some things to think about to help navigate that conversation, followed by how it played out for me.
“You’re Right”
Yep, you’re not their mom. Whatever and whoever their mom is to them, this is the truth. Be ready to simply say, “You’re right.”
Your Relationship with the Kids
You may be their full-time support—loving, caring, and parenting—or you may be completely removed and practicing “nachoing.” They could be 5 years old or 15 years old. A quick response like, “You’re right, I’m not your mom, but I’m here to love and support you and your dad” can work. Then, keep it moving. Finish the conversation about homework, chores, or whatever the task is, and move on.
Acknowledging the fact, expressing your feelings about them and your place in the family, and keeping it moving may be the best way to handle it.
If you and your partner choose to have a sit-down discussion with the kids about your role in the family, it’s good to emphasize that you are not their mom, dad, babysitter, aunt, or teacher. You are your own person with a unique role in their lives. You’re not above or below their biological parents when it comes to your support, care, love, or role. Approach it as, “We’re all here to love, support, and care for you.” Being a united front with your partner—and ideally with all parents involved—is important.
How It Happened for Me
I’d thought about these four simple words long before they ever came up. I wondered: What will I say back? Which one of the kids will say it to me first? I imagined it would happen during a heated preteen/teen argument, like something out of a movie. A stepmom, slaving away over dinner, while the kids are upset because they can’t spend the night at a friend’s house on a school night. That was not at all how it went.
My little stepdaughter, at just six years old, was having a complete meltdown—one of those grumpy, overtired episodes—about something that happened during her bath. She was projecting her frustration at her dad. Through tears, she let out a line like, “You’re such a weeeeenyyyy!” One of those kid insults that’s so ridiculous you have to hold back your laughs and smiles.
My stepson, who is seven, heard the meltdown and went upstairs to console her. I gave clear instructions: “Do not go in her room; she needs to let this out.” But, being the little genius he is, he snuck into her room anyway to try and cheer her up. I went upstairs to check on them. Little Miss was about to start brushing her teeth and, still grumpy, let out another, “My dad is being a weeeennnyyy!”
I calmly replied, “Ah, is he? Well, is that kind? That’s your dad. Don’t call your dad names; that could hurt his feelings.” Her face instantly fell as she came back to earth, guilt visible in her eyes. She started brushing her teeth. Meanwhile, my stepson chimed in, trying to take some of the blame, saying he’d taught her that word. Then it happened.
In a calm tone from the sidelines, my stepson said, “You’re not my mom.”
Every self-help resource, stepmom blog, and forum I’d ever read came flooding into my brain in half a second. I winged it.
“You’re right. I’m not your mom, but I’m an adult in your life.” I picked up a hairbrush and started working through his sister’s tangles as she apologized for calling her dad a name.
And then—within seconds—my stepson said, “I’m sorry for not calling you a parent in my life.”
Victory lap in my head? Oh, you bet.