Get on the same page!
As I sit here in a coffee shop, staring at a blank page and trying to draw inspiration from my list of stepparenting topics, I find myself distracted by a conversation unfolding nearby. A grandmother is firmly lecturing her daughter on how to manage her kids’ schedules: making sure they get to school on time, come home, complete their homework and chores before watching TV or having any screen time, and so on. She’s urging her daughter to be aligned with her husband on these routines, and it’s intense. It’s either “Your husband will get Johnny to school on time, or else…,” and “You two need to be on the same page, or else…” And the daughter is listening, agreeing that she can’t rely on her husband.
This conversation isn’t new or unusual. I hear people vent about similar situations—about not being able to trust their husbands to handle anything alone. “I left Tim with a simple recipe to make dinner, let’s see if he can do it.” “Tim had to watch the kids for just one afternoon, and he still couldn’t manage it.” I know neighbors on the brink of a brutal divorce because the husband didn’t watch the kids to the wife’s standards. She even started videoing him and making threats, YIKES!
Now, I can’t pretend that my partner and I never disagree over the kids. Honestly, it’s one of the biggest sources of tension for most couples. Parenting isn’t perfect; you won’t get it right every time, and you definitely won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes, especially as a stepparent, it can feel like shouting into an echo chamber from an isolated island. But we know that communication is everything. We make time to check in, talk things through, and present a united front, because that’s what our family needs.
My partner and their mom also take time each month to get on the same page about the kids. They discuss everything: sports, activities, what the kids are watching, what’s happening at school, and coordinate the nonstop schedule (and all the last-minute changes). Avoiding alienation among the whole “village” of people involved in our kids’ lives is so important. I believe once you show the kids that one parent over the other is the authority or one is the joke, you’re on your way to a very complicated imbalance within your home.
My Take Aways:
Respect and Trust Each Other: Without mutual respect and trust, parenting will be an uphill battle. You chose this person as your co-parent—trust them to parent, too.
Communicate: Align on your core values and parenting goals, whether it’s about keeping a schedule, setting manners, or deciding on the kids’ meals. When you have a solid foundation, you can rely on it even when things get challenging.
Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to check in about what’s working, what’s not, and to discuss any concerns. Start and end the conversation with shared goals, allowing room for flexibility and compromise.
Be Flexible: Everyone has their unique parenting style, including your partner. Embrace the differences, knowing that as long as you’re both aligned on core values, you’re raising good humans. Let them order takeout for dinner, allow a later bedtime once in awhile, or even be a bit “helicopter” if that’s their style. Trust that they have the kids’ best interests at heart.